Identity Theft!

the Indian aka Pink Panther spotted this in town and was kind enough to alert me to this travesty of justice:

this is just not ok! there is only one Possum and she's mine!
If anyone knows this deluded person please put me in touch.
x

YUM

Tiara's Guide to Mzoli's

Yesterday I wrote about the drama surrounding our outing to Mzoli's but I think it's only fair to point out it was completely our own faults and once we got there it was awesome. I do however feel the need to advise you take/consider the following (unlike ourselves):

- first things first http://www.capetownmagazine.com/news/Directions-from-Cape-Town-to-Mzolis-in-Gugulethu/10_22_7142
- Bottle opener! they sell booze by the 6 pack and unless you want to keep going to the little gated window to ask for assistance opening your beverage just take one along.
- order your food when you arrive. It takes a while but trust me it is so worth the wait.
- there was no soap in the bathroom and since you'll be eating with your hands it's probably best you take hand sanitizer (thanks mom), baby wipes or similar. a dose of gastro would not be an ideal end to a good day out. the lesbians took forks which i was very grateful for.
- there was no toilet paper. take tissues or my preferance: Pampers baby wipes with aloe.
- take enough cash. apart from food and drinks there is all kinds of cool stuff to buy: straw hats, sunglasses, fake Bafana shirts...we bought 8 glasses made out of Savanna bottles. so cool!(3 broke but that's besides the point)
- dress appropriately. nothing too flashy.
- camera. obviously.

see, even I can rough it in style.
x

Burlesque Circus, ooh la la!

A few weeks back I was informed via email by the Fwaza to be at a particular address in town at 7pm sharp so I just replied "See you there. x" and hit send assuming it was a new restaurant stepmother wanted to try. I think it was a Thursday as I was tired and grumpy after work but did the right thing (brushed teeth, did make-up, put on clean clothes etc)and headed to said address. For once in my life I was actually on time and the first to arrive so I found parking, hoped Possum would would not be broken into or vandalised, walked around the corner and found myself in front of the Fez Club. at this point i became confused, checked the address and it seemed I was in the right place. The burly doorman sensed my distress, assured me i was where I should be and ushered me inside. A kindly guy then led me through the club and downstairs through red velvet curtains into a MAGICAL theatre. There was a big screen playing black and white Burlesque dance routines and old French cinema clips, a huge 3D face sticking its tongue out at me on the opposite wall and a gilt cage suspended among clouds hanging from the ceiling. And no I was not on anything. I was then handed a yummy champagne cocktail and led to our "table". In reality it was a red velvet booth with a huge mirror, a chandelier hanging above the table and dividers separating ourselves from our neighbours. I had died and gone to Burlesque heaven! The show was awesome. As some of you know I have the attention span of a flea but I was absorbed from start to finish. It's funny, really sexy and the costumes and make-up are awe inspiring. Seriously do yourself a favour. the food was yum too - you get a 3 course meal during intervals. It's called Vaudeville Burlesque Supper Club and I'm taking Puff as soon as. semi naked girls. what's not to love?


www.vaudeville.co.za

Gem on Gumtree

I'm helping Puff look for permanent accommodation and came across this:


Guys, I'm looking to share a house/flat with a hot guy as I am looking for a wingman that can go out to clubs at night so that we can pick up chics and help each other get LAID!!!

I'm looking for a guy willing to share a 2-bedroom flat with me. The idea is that we both go out to the clubs in Long Street, we go chat up chics, bring them home and have them for sleep-overs!!You must be attractive, well-toned/muscled and very handsome. It always works best when two good looking guys chat up chics as opposed to when you're doing it alone!! For the record I'm completely STRAIGHT so no guy-on-guy stuff. Guy wanted purely to help each other get laid with CHICS!!

The pink sunset was my favourite. It says so much about him...Let's help get this poor guy laid!:
http://capetown.gumtree.co.za/c-Flat-House-Real-Estate-houses-flats-for-rent-Wingman-wanted-2-bedroom-flat-W0QQAdIdZ194875623

Trip to the "Poor City"

I was feeling the after effects of numerous Jack and limes yesterday morning when I received an SMS from the lesbians. they had extended an invitation to accompany them to Mzoli's. welcoming any distraction from my throbbing head I accepted without considering the logistical issues which could arise. i spent 2 hours cleaning the kitchen as it looked like a bomb had hit it and then had 15 minutes to shower, pick something appropriate to wear and blow dry my fringe. these severe time constraints threw me right off and by the time the bell rang I was in quite a state. the girls are aware of "tiara time" (which is similar to African time plus 15 minutes) and waited patiently downstairs. unfortunately they had a german with them who was not quite as understanding and was designated dave for this outting. by the time we got going this girl was on a mission and sped off leaving Baby Possum in her dust. Possum has not seen the inside of the Citroen service centre in a while and her gear box is a tad dodgy but I tried my best to keep up. while driving through I'm not sure where my phone rang and Puff was informed that the house he was meant to move into the following day was no longer available. fuck. his left eye turned dark and that is never good. i actually felt sorry for the person on the other end of the phone. while trying to drive like a capable individual, calm Puff down and follow the speeding german it suddenly became apparent we were lost. lost in the "poor city". suddenly every face looked evil, i started hyperventilating and completely lost the ability to navigate, turn or indicate.
as usual Puff saved us and we eventually found our way to our destination.

And it was totally worth the stress. the food was AMAZING. Mzoli's braai sauce recipe is a closely guarded secret and it's clear why. the people were friendly, the atmosphere was awesome. we met some really interesting characters. Gang of Instrumentals performed. i saw a table of guys playing dice and singing make da circle beeega. Do it y'all!We left with full bellies and warm hearts.

Choas prevails...

Monday morning, ugh. alarm went off, i dragged myself out of bed. floor was covered in clothes and other random items so i picked up a semi clean looking t-shirt of Puffin's and went in search of a cigarette. i gazed at the sunrise, enjoyed my first nicotine fix of the day and put the kettle on as one does. i picked out my "Drama Queen" mug (thanks mom), put a teabag in, poured in the water and opened the fridge to find...NO MILK. this seemed like a catastrophe at 7am. "For fuck's sake!!!!!!!!!!" roused all 3 other inhabitants who must have imagined the flat had been burgled and all our worldly possessions were already doing a swift trade on the black market. Puffin lumbered into the kitchen to find me wailing in front of the open fridge door "this place is a shit hole, no-one does anything to help me, i'm so over this, i hate my job, 9 to 5 is not my vibe WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
Puff, bless his heart, went into male problem solving mode while i headed to the shower hurling verbal abuse at the baby sister and her cruise guide bf on the way. Next thing Puff pranced into the bathroom holding a cup of (black) tea and in his best camp French impression presented me with it while explaining that his cow had run out of milk but if i would like his pregnant wife Marie might contribute some... mon cherie oui, oui etc. i politely declined through fits of laughter which caused a good deal of water and shampoo to go up my nose while thinking "oh ja, that's why i keep him around..."

However, if i get home and there is not a 2l bottle of Woolies fat free there will be hell to pay kids.

love you Puff!

Oops

Yesterday I woke up in a very good mood. I wasn't hungover or stressed for a change which was nice. I made Puffin and I tea, had a long refreshing shower and planned the day ahead. I had lots to think about as yesterday happened to be boyfriend's birthday and I had organised a surprise party for him. But i took it in my stride and told myself I was more than capable of accomplishing all the tasks that lay ahead. I packed my bag, checked my list, kissed the snoring mound under the duvet and skipped off to work.
I sat down at my desk and opened my inbox. I noticed an email from my boss' PA. I was greeted with this:

PSE RETURN RUGBY SEASON TICKETS

Thanks

V

I was very confused by this. Indeed my boss had given me tickets to the rugby which we went to last Saturday. (It was like watching ants ran around and crash into one another and some drunk moron poured beer on my head as we left. But Puffin seemed to enjoy it until I insisted we leave at half time and go watch on the big screen in the safety of the nearby country club). Sensing something was amiss I cast my mind back to what we'd done with the tickets after we left the stadium and through the haze of cheap wine and the hippie's potent weed I recall walking past a group of bedraggled looking coloured children. Being the compassionate souls we are we thought it would be such a a treat for them to get to watch the rest of the game live...

that's right. I gave away my bosses rugby season tickets. I'm already looking for a new job.

Thought for the day

So I had a bladder infection last week, never pleasant. My doctor was kind enough to book me off for Friday so i had an extra long weekend. But as I was taking antibiotics there was no party party for me sadly. Anyway, Tuesday I returned to work and wandered along to the "other side" of the company...the admin department. it is a bewildering place inhabited by very grumpy Muslim women who look like if they smiled their faces would crack. As I handed over my sick note to the older one I watched as she took in the denim mini and black vest I had thrown on 5 minutes before leaving the flat. she then remarked "If you dressed warmer you wouldn't get sick you know" while the younger one nodded ernestly, "It's true." It was 29 degrees outside and i didn't ask if their heads get hot. Just saying.

the morning after the night before

My alarm went off at 7:30. i sat bolt upright, found i was still wearing the clothes i had on for the party and was still drunk. this is not altogether surprising considering I'd been woken at 5am by two very intoxicated boys who were debating how to kill the bouncer who'd "kicked them out" of the striped cat club (in reality i suspect the club was closing and said doorman was just doing his job). it was at this point that i felt i needed another drink despite the fact that I'd already consumed enough red wine to get Victoria Beckham merry. Puffin continued to tell the actor how he was going to cause severe bodily harm to the 7 foot doorman while i drained my wine and smoked a millionth cigarette. i vaguely remember getting them blankies and stumbling back to my cave.

the first sight that greeted me this morning as i stumbled around looking for cigarettes, something clean to wear and my lost shoe was a puddle of babotie upchuck and a glass full of the same substance on my coffee table. ideal start to a hungover day. as i pulled on retrieved shoe i poked the snoring puffin in the ribs and threatened him with severe bodily harm if the flat is not spotless when i return from work. i spent the first hour of my day plotting revenge on both of them but then realised their hangovers will be punishment enough.

TGIF.